RAMON PRESSON: I bet if we got that knife outta your head …


RAMON PRESSON: I bet if we got that knife outta your head …

One of the advantages of writing for an online publication is the ability to include the link for a video clip that the reader need only click on. That is especially true in this case for the creative and funny 2-minute piece titled, “It’s Not About the Nail.” Watch it here. You’ll thank me, trust me. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg.

Did you watch it? Then stop reading this and watch it. The remainder of this column will make much more sense after you watch the clip. Yes, I’ll wait…

Meanwhile, last week a woman walking around Pumpkin Lake in Sugar Land, Texas, spotted an alligator in the lake with a knife sticking in the top of its head.

First of all, “Pumpkin Lake in Sugar Land” sounds like a phrase out of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Here I’d expect to see a serving knife sticking out of a floating cheese cake, not a steak knife protruding from a swimming alligator.

Secondly, I’m amused by the comment from the interviewed witness and subdivision resident, Erin Weaver who said, “I believe somebody did it on purpose.” Thanks to Detective Weaver, the Sugar Land police department and the Texas game commission were able to rule out:

a) The stabbing as a self-inflicted wound

b) The stabbing as an assault by another alligator

c) The knife falling from the sky

But there’s another part of this story that all the other news outlets did not catch and report. This is a female alligator who has been married for 11 years to an insensitive male gator who hangs out at the golf course section of the lake. A recent dialogue went like this:

Wife Gator: I don’t know if I can take it anymore. These headaches are killing me. I think it’s migraines. I might have a brain tumor.

Husband Gator: I think you’d feel better if we got that knife outta your head…

Wife Gator: It’s NOT about the knife!

Husband Gator: I think it IS about the knife and what we need to do is…

Wife Gator: Stop it! You always do this! You’re always trying to fix things when all I really want for you to do is listen. I’m looking for acceptance, understanding, and empathy — not solutions.

Husband Gator: OK, fine, I’m listening. I’m not exactly sure where my ears are located, but I can hear you. Go on.

Wife Gator: It’s embarrassing. I feel like a submarine with a periscope sticking out. Any potential prey can see me coming a mile away. I know I’ve gained several hundred pounds since we met, but I’m starving here! And all the gals at aqua aerobics look at me funny. And I can tell your mother is just dying to say something snarky but she knows if she does, I’ll bite her head off… so to speak.

Husband Gator: Gosh, honey I think I get it. Not only are you in constant excruciating pain, but you likely have permanent and untreatable neurological damage. The unrelenting discomfort makes it impossible for you to sleep or to live with. Our teenagers act like they don’t know you, and you’ve become a complete social outcast in your peer group. And while you would typically comfort yourself through this crisis by overeating, you are managing to scare off any fish or animals not slower than a slug on Prozac. Does all that reflect how you feel, sweet jaws?

Wife Gator: Shut up and figure out how to get this #%^!* knife outta my head.

Ramon Presson, PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Franklin (www.ramonpressontherapy.com) and the author of several books. Reach him at ramonpresson@gmail.com. To read Presson’s previous columns go to www.franklinhomepage.com/?s=ramon+presson

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