As I write this at my bay window on a relaxing Sunday afternoon, I know that many of my Realtor friends are dodging traffic to drive an Open House sign into the frozen ground at a busy intersection, or are driving a couple who can’t agree on anything all over Williamson County before returning to the second house for the third time so the couple can argue about the light fixtures in the master bathroom.
It’s surprising to me that more real estate agents aren’t pulled over for drunk driving with a married couple gagged and tied up in the trunk.
I thought of my real estate friends as I was coming up with the following possibilities for this cartoon caption contest in The New Yorker:
* “I finally found a house on a golf course in your price range.”
* “OK, we’ll take a look inside now … if we can time it right.”
* “Your neighbors in the clown’s head on #8 are really delightful people.”
* “No, that’s not a large pot hole in your driveway; and no, you can’t fill it in.”
* “The previous owners were slow and didn’t have good medical insurance.”
* “Sure, you lose a lot of heat out the doors and windows but this place generates its own electricity so it balances out.”
* “Well, the only house with a sewer system is #18. Everything that goes into the hole goes straight to the clubhouse.”
Dumb and dumber questions
According to my Realtor friends, being successful in the industry requires hard work, patience, and the ability to keep a straight face when clients ask dumb questions.
Remember that teacher in 7th grade who reassured your class that there are no dumb questions. Well, she lied. As proof, here are some actual questions heard and sent in by Realtors around the country:
* Will the sellers be taking the septic tank with them?
* Does the garage come with the house?
* This wall-to-wall carpeting looks almost brand new. Do you think the sellers would be willing to let it stay?
* Why is the garage unfurnished?
* We don’t like the listing agent. Can you get rid of her and do the whole deal yourself?
* Can I put up my Rolex as a good faith deposit?
* Will the bank let us move in and then defer the mortgage payments until after we do some decorating?
* Before they move out do you think the sellers would let us spend a night in the house to see what living there would actually feel like? You know, sorta like test-driving a car.
* The sellers did not disclose that the neighbor is a drunk, and he passed out on our front lawn Saturday night. Can we sue the previous owners for failure to disclose?
* Can we come back here at midnight and see how the moon affects my spirit?
* Should we remove the mirrors on the ceiling in the bedroom or is that a selling point?
Realtors must keep a sense of humor to ward off drug addiction, insanity, and prison time for murder. Here are some resources that can help.
A popular website among Realtors is Terrible Real Estate Agent Photos (www.terriblerealestateagentphotos.com) which gathers real and cringe-worthy photographs from actual real estate listings and adds humorous captions to them.
Based on the title I initially thought the site contained awkward promo photos of agents. It does not; but I found one that does! Check out www.fstoppers.com/other/best-worst-real-estate-agents-headshots-9391.
Another website to check in on occasionally is www.lightersideofrealestate.com. There’s actually some useful info there but it’s the comedy that will keep you coming back.
Of course, who doesn’t love funny real estate memes? www.theclose.com/real-estate-memes.
And finally, it’s always therapeutic to have a weekly session with your real estate coach and America’s favorite Realtor, Phil Dunphy by watching an episode of Modern Family.
Ramon Presson, PhD, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Franklin (www.ramonpressontherapy.com) and the author of several books. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org. To read Presson’s previous columns go to www.franklinhomepage.com/?s=ramon+presson